An Unfair Competition

At a signal from the Queen the procession stopped. On the wide lawn the servants had prepared everything for the croquet game. At the sight on the royal couple they threw themselves on the ground at once. While the Queen accompanied by some on her favourites went to the royal stand and took her seat under a large parasol, the Pied Piper went past Alice and whispered to her:

Then he went to his place on the stand. Wondering about his strange words and his sudden intimacy Alice followed him with her eyes. But as she could not make sense on his words, she turned to the playing area again and admired the beautiful park. Twelve wind players had positioned themselves below the stand and were playing serenades. In a proper distance from the stand white awnings had been set up, and the remaining court took seat below them. Liveried servants presented refreshing drinks to them. The base people retreated to the edge on the forest that marked the boundary on the playing area. Individual servants stood ready to hand the mallets to the players. Strange enough no hoops had been set up anywhere, but a couple on flagpoles revealed the course on the playing field at the end on which stood a huge obelisk as final target.

Shady Chestnut trees and wrought-iron bird cages stood singularly on the hilly lawn scenery. In the distance Alice could see a pond with flamingos dozing in the sun. On the shore stood a dainty pleasure pavilion.

A fanfare blow interrupted her contemplation on the gorgeous landscape. The Queen rose on the stand accompanied by the applause of her favourites. A sign from the King silenced them.

At once the Princess on Diamonds tapped with her fan lightly on the shoulder on the Knave on Hearts, whereupon he indicated a light bow. The court applauded and a few ladies-in-waiting giggled affectedly while the Princess on Diamonds threw an arrogant and concescending glance at Alice. A servant handed two preciously decorated mallets to the Knave on Hearts and Alice's opponent. They tried out the mallets and winked at each other certain on their victory. Then everybody was looking at Alice. Not knowing what to do she pulled the sleeve on her neighbour, the Four on Spades. The court bursted into scornful laughter, and the poor Four on Spades turned red with sheer embarrassment. They were now presented with two crooked, worn mallets. Furious about this unfair treatment Aliced looked up to the Queen. But when she saw her gloating grin, she swallowed her anger and smiled encouragingly at her miserable partner.

Alice: And what are the rules?

Queen: What, you don't know my rules? Poor child, where do you come from? Well, then listen to me carefully.

(sings)

 A short direction to avoid dejection:

By variations in occupations

and prolongation of relaxation

and combinations of recreations

and disputation on the state of the nation

in adaptation to your station

by invitations to friends and relations

by evitation of amputation

by permutation in conversation

and deep reflection, you'll avoid dejection.

Learn well your grammar and never stammer

write well and neatly and sing most sweetly

be enterprising - love early rising

go walk of six miles, have ready quick smiles

with lightsome laughter soft flowing after.

Drink tea, not coffee, eat never toffy

eat bread with butter. Once more, don't stutter.

Don't waste your money, abstain from honey.

Shut doors behind you, don't slam them, mind you.

Drink beer, not porter, don't enter the water

till to swim you're able. Sit close at the table,

take care of a candle, shut a door by the handle,

don't push with your shoulder till you're older

lose not a button, refuse cold mutton.

Starve your canaries, believe in fairies.

If you are able, don't have a stable

with any mangers. Be rude to strangers.

Choir of the courtiers:

Hands off of the Knave!

Behave - behave - behave!

Alice: And what has all that got to do with the croquet game?

Queen: That is none of your business. Begin!

She sat down while the court applauded. Confused Alice looked alternately from the Pied Piper to William, the Knave on Hearts, as if she expected them to give an explanation. But the Pied Piper stood with a motionless face behind the royal couple, and William gave her a friendly smile which increased her confusion even more. In the meantime a huge pillory and an indicator board had been rolled in and built up in front on the stand. An executioner clad only in a leather loincloth stepped in carrying a mighty block on wood wherein stuck his axe. Alice thought she could recognize in him the guard from the great hall. Full on contempt for mankind he glanced around and flexed the muscles on his trunk. A reverent murmur was going through the spectators and some ladies-in-waiting were just about to faint.

Then some dwarflike servants came onto the croquet area and spread over the playing field. They formed bridges with their bodies to represent the hoops. The Queen gave a sign and a strange match began.

William and the Princess on Diamonds played as well as if they had long since become attuned to each other. With elegant long strokes they drove the ball ahead and made one point after another to the applause on the court. Sometimes, though, it seemed as if the Knave on Hearts played in a restrained manner. He never scored a point himself, but he layed the ball on so well that the Princess on Diamonds could knock it through the hoops without any difficulty. In comparison to his partner, the Knave's delight was rather reserved, and from time to time he looked over to Alice in a way that seemed to reveal worry and a feeling on guilt.

Alice herself had to fight with problems on a very different kind: with the bad equipment, with her own inexperience, and with the nervousness on the Four on Spades. They could only just keep up with the score on the other couple, and their strokes often appeared wooden and clumsy, which made the audience laugh amusedly. The Queen herself leaned contentedly back in her seat and grinned suggestively. And the Princess on Diamonds held her head yet a little bit higher and looked condescendingly at the efforts on her opponent.

Helpless Alice looked at her crooked, ugly mallet and the poor Four on Spades with his trembling knees, who had just managed to manouvre the ball so that it was at an almost impossible angle to the hoop. The ladies-in-waiting giggled and the Four on Spades turned red evading Alice's disappointed look.

Four of Spades: (moaning) But it's a game about life and limb. Would you like to be beheaded?

Alice: Rubbish! Nobody is beheaded just because he loses a game of croquet.

Four of Spades: Not if we lose but if we win.

Alice: What's so bad about it? Are the others not able to lose?

Four of Spades: Just think about it: the whole celebration would be spoilt. It would be a very bad omen in the young couple was beaten by two nobodies like us one day before the wedding. Maybe the whole wedding would have to be postponed because the Queen is very superstitious. Oh dear, oh dear, if that will happen, the Queen will take a fierce revenge on us. Please, don't play too well. I really don't mind what you do with your life, but consider my situation - I've got a family.

Alice: I don't understand anything anymore. What wedding are you talking about?

Four of Spades: But don't you know...Tomorrow the Knave of Hearts and the Princess of Diamonds are going to marry.

Alice grew stiff as if she had been struck by lightning, and turned deathly pale. Aghastly she looked over to the future couple. William looked at the ground as if he felt what Alice had just found out. Tears came into her eyes, and angrily and disappointedly she threw the mallet on the ground. A murmur ran through the rows on spectators. Furiously Alice was looking up at the royal stand, when her eyes met the eyes on the Pied Piper. He nodded slightly in the direction on a bush near Alice. When the King turned towards him, he immediately put on his indifferent face.

Alice briefly considered her position. Then she picked up the mallet again and pretended to continue the game. Carefully she peaked over to the bush and recognized the broad grin on the Cheshire Cat between the leaves.

Alice nodded imperceptibly and concentrated. With all on her rage and her disappointment she hit the ball, and managed the nearly impossible: she hit the hoop. Everybody fell silent with amazement, only William applauded spontaneously and received a vicious look from his future wife. The Four on Spades tore his hair out on despair and trembled even more than before. From now on the game went on with changed roles. It developed into a pure duel between the ladies. For different reasons, both, William and the Four on Spades, played very cautiously and left the main responsibilities to their females partners. But while the Princess on Diamonds grew more and more nervous, Alice rose to her best form ever. No matter how badly the Four on Spades layed the ball on, no matter how far away she was from the hoop - Alice hit the target. Her rival fought on grimly; the Four on Spades became paler and shakier.; the strokes on the Knave on Hearts grew more and more lethargic; the glances exchanged between the two women grew increasingly full on hatred, those exchanged between Alice and William more and more fiery; and wider and wider became the grin on the Cheshire Cat behind the bushes and trees from where she followed the game.

From time to time Alice had the impression that the "living hoops" moved slightly away from the ball when it was her turn, and slightly towards the ball when it was the Princess' turn. But not even this injustice could stop her triumph. The audience sensed a first rate scandal and observed the competition silently and very eagerly. The Queen's face darkened more and more. A few times it seemed as if she wanted to jump up and order several beheadings. But each time the King laid his hand soothingly on her's and she calmed down again. After both parties had passed the last hoop, the score was tied. Now everything depended on who was the first to touch the obelisk with the ball. Everybody had become quiet as a mouse. With a powerful stroke the Princess on Diamonds placed the ball at two metres on the hoop. The audience breathed deeply. Then it was the turn on the miserable Four on Spades. The mallet nearly fell out on his trembling hands; he only managed to hit the ball weakly, and it stopped moving in a distance on almost nine metres from the obelisk. The audience clapped enthousiastically - the game was practically decided. Quickly the Four on Spades hurried away, before Alice's furious look could meet him. The Princess on Diamonds grinned cheekily and triumphantly. She could be certain on her victory - even a blind man would hit the target from a distance on two metres. Alice was downcast and depressed.

Then the Knave on Hearts got into position. He made a couple on trial strokes, then he concentrated once again, swang the mallet, and hit the ball - it came to lie within twelve inches on the target. The spectators yelled out outragedly, the Queen jumped up, the Princess on Diamonds approached her partner full on rage, as if she wanted to scratch out his eyes. But William only shrugged his shoulders and looked at her coolly. The Cheshire Cat, who had hidden in the top on a tree, cheered silently.

In the meantime the upset audience had calmed down a bit. After all, Alice had not yet hit the target, and her starting position was highly unfavourable. But Alice was astonishingly cool. She aimed at her target, swang the mallet and hit the ball with full force. With a loud smack her ball knocked the obelisk - she had won.

A moaning on dismay ran through the audience. The Four on Spades fainted. The royal couple got up with serious expressions on their faces. The Princess on Diamonds smashed her mallet furiously, forgetting all about etiquette. But Alice jubilated loudly. William ran to her and beaming with delight he took her into his arms.

Alice: William!

Furiously the Queen and the Princess on Diamonds clenched their fists, but they grinned reluctantly and accepted their defeat. Now nothing could keep the Cheshire Cat in her hiding place any more. Grinningly she embraced Alice.

Arm in arm, the Cheshire Cat and the completely exhausted Alice walked to the stand. Inwardly boiling, the Queen had the fanfares blare out, and had the prize, a red rose, handed to Alice.

C.Cat: (grinning) Not a bit of it!

Queen: Who's that?

Alice: That's the Cheshire Cat, my friend.

Queen: I don't like her, but she may kiss my hand.

C.Cat: No, thank you.

Queen: Who do you think you are, you bastard? And kindly stop grinning when you're talking to a queen.

Alice: Your Majesty, a Cheshire Cat is always grinning. It's innate.

Queen: Behead the Cheshire Cat!

Immediately three Knights on Spades took hold on the Cheshire Cat. The executioner came closer, built up his execution block and examined the blade of his axe.

Queen: Executioner, go ahead with your work!

Helplessly Alice had to witness how the head on her friend was layed on the block. The executioner was already swinging his axe when an arrow whizzed through the air and got stuck in the shaft on the axe. A white rose was attached to the arrow. The executioner lowered his axe. Everybody turned around surprisedly. Next to the obelisk stood the Cook with a crossbow and the Duchess. The walked towards the stand. Quietly the spectators made room for them. The Duchess bowed in front on the Queen.

The Cook demonstratively took another arrow. But that was not even necessary, because after a short while on contemplation the Queen gave a sign to her soldiers to let go on the Cheshire Cat. Alice sighed on relief. Grinning the Cheshire Cat went to the Duchess and the Cook.

The Queen nodded in agreement, only hardly supressing her rage. So the Duchess, the Cheshire Cat, the Cook and Alice retreated to the pavillion, while new couples formed in the background and the next round began. Obviously disappointed, the executioner took down his block and left. Alice looked around for William, but since their short embracement after the game he had disappeared as if swallowed up by the earth. The Princess on Diamonds was not to be seen either. The Duchess had noticed her searching look.

Alice: I don't understand anything. I believed you were in prison, or even beheaded.

Duchess: My dear, to every lock there is a key. And, thanks to God, the times are over when a legitimate queen was beheaded by an upstart rival.

Alice: Yes, but...why...

C.Cat: She is the real queen, the genuine queen. This imposter Queen of Hearts is her stepsister, a domineering bastard, a swindler, a despot.

Duchess: You have done me a great favour. Without you William would have married the Princess of Diamonds tomorrow, and with the support of that dynasty my stepsister's power would have been strengthened.

Alice: And William is...

Duchess: My step-nephew. The last of our lineage, a direct descendant of William the Conquerer. Like him who saw the comet, we all stem from the dynasty of those who govern time and light. This made-up Queen of Hearts is only capable of the art of the inquisition and some bad conjuring tricks. She has turned our poor, miserable father into a pathetic caterpillar. And now he has to spend the autumn of his life in the heat of the dunes out there. She has a cold heart.

Alice: (confused) I guess I don't understand very much of this.

Duchess: My dear, this is the high policy of nobility and inbreeding. No commoner will ever understand this. But the only thing you have to bother with is William.

Alice: (sad) But how do you want to know that he wont marry her after all?

Duchess: (laughs) In the words of my cousin the Hatter: whoever has eyes should use them. He has decided for you, there's no doubt about that.

Alice: But what will the Queen say about it?

Duchess: (serious) She will be furious. The situation might become dangerous. But we have a confident among the false Hearts who will help him as good as he can.

Alice:(slowly understanding) The Pied Piper?

Duchess: (with dignity) My dear child, I would never give away the name on my best spy, not even to such a lovely commoner like you. Since commoners are fickle and usually unreliable by nature.

Cook: (with a doleful expression) We have to go on; otherwise the soup will burn.

Duchess: You're absolutely right, my dear. So long, Alice. And remember that we never let our friends down.

Alice: One more question - what's the matter with the piglet?

Duchess: (amused) Compare his nose with those of some others around here, and you'll know which side he is on. So long.

And the three disappeared into the forest and left a fairly bewildered Alice behind. She tried to make sense on what she had heard, and to sort out the family circumstances. But soon she gave up on it.