The Threefold Teaparty

Behind Alice the doors closed with a bang. From the inside the church seemed to be larger than from the outside. Warm beams on light fell in all colours through the many-coloured gothic windows onto the pillars, the floor, and the walls. Alice was astonished to find no altar in the nave but only a long wide table with a lot on high chairs. The ends on the long table were hidden to her view by the pillars. But as she heard low voices coming from there, she squeezed through the empty rows on chairs to the front. An organ began to play a toccata.

When Alice came to the long table, she saw three figures sitting very close to each other at the left corner on the table. Without any obvious reason for sitting that closely together, they were drinking tea. In front on each empty chair the table was laid for tea as if more guests were expected to come. Alice recognized one on the three; it was the curious Hatter who had told her about the importance on the confession back in the ballroom. In contrast to him the figure he was talking to was dressed in bright colours like a travelling entertainer or a fool. He was a thick, coarse-looking man. Pinned in between these two sat an even stranger figure: half mouse, half woman it was sitting there sound asleep, so that it did not at all notice the other two supporting their arms on its back and conversing eagerly over its head.

Alice could only hear a soft murmur on the conversation though, which became entirely inaudible because on the sound on the organ. It was certainly the adequate volume for a conversation ia a church - in this was a church after all, because the altar, as already mentioned, was missing. Instead Alice discovered in a corner a delapidated bookcase loaded with old and dusty folios.

Moving with quiet steps, Alice approached the strange party. But then the organ ceased to play all on a sudden, and the others became aware of Alice.

Alice: Occupied? That's out of the question. There are enough spare chairs.

And without further ado she sat down.

Alice: I don't see any wine...

March Hare:(joking) Because there is none! Ha, ha, ha...

Alice: Why then do you offer me some?

March Hare: Why do you simply sit down with us, at our table?

Alice: There were so many places laid that...

Hatter:(interrupts her) What's the difference between a raven and a desk?

Alice: Oh, lovely. Let's play games together. - Wait a moment, I'm sure I'll work it out.

Hatter: You want to say you will guess it.

Alice: Exactly. Just a second, I'm very close to the answer.

March Hare: In that case you should say what you want to say. (drinks some tea and belches loudly)

Alice:(irritated) I am - at least I do mean what I say. It amounts to the same thing, doesn't it?

Hatter: Not at all. With the same right you could say: "To see what one eats is the same as to eat what one sees".

March Hare: Or: "I like the things that belong to me" is the same as "The things I like belong to me".

Dormouse:(talking in its sleep) Or: "As long as I can sleep I am alive" is the same as "As long as I'm alive I'm asleep".

Hatter:(empties a tea cup over its head) In your case it IS the same. And now be quiet, Dormouse. We've had enough of those similes.

Confused Alice gazed from one to the other. The Dormouse did not feel disturbed by the tea which was running down its face, and went on sleeping calmly. The March Hare grinned stupidly at Alice and patted her head. An angry look from her made him pull his hand right back and he giggled foolishly to himself. After a brien silence the Hatter pulled a golden watch out on his pocket and looked sullenly at it.

March Hare:(soft) It was genuine butter.

Hatter:(angry) So what! But a couple on crumbs have got in. Why did you just have to take the bread knife?

The March Hare took the watch, dipped it into one on the tea cups, and looked at it from all sides. Angrily the Hatter took the watch away from him.

Alice: What's the time anyway? Because I'm invited to a game of croquet.

Hatter: A while ago it was still working. That means it must now be summa summarum cum grano salis round about a quarter to Wednesday.

Alice: I was asking for the time. What's the hour?

Hatter: Time, time... hours don't count. The days are important. Behold: on the first day God created...

March Hare: The tea!

Hatter: No, you wretched heretic. That was on the third day. On the first day God created the wine. That's why his son lateron prefered wine to everything, as, by the way, Dionysius had done it much earlier.

March Hare: And the tea?

Hatter: Only heretics drink tea. Tea is a sinful swill anyway. It is weak and watery and it takes a lot of milk and sugar to drink this stuff.

March Hare: Why don't we drink wine in that case?

Hatter: Because the Dormouse spilled it.

And both on them hit out at the Dormouse and poured hot tea over its nose. But it only growled reluctantly once and went on sleeping.

March Hare:(squealing) Yes, correct. But he forgot the women!

Hatter: Well, logic was not his strong point. Behold: there are the works of God - the Kabbala, the Thora, the Veden, and the Koran. And those are the works of science, physics, mathematics, and detective novels. Compare these works and you will see that God was a real muddle head. But he was hooked on creating, and so he continued. On the third day he created, as you already know, the tea. Originally he had planned to design landscapes - mountains, oceans, volcanoes, and the like, but his aunt from the Orion Nebula was just arranging a big slaughter; and as God was a pacifist, he became so annoyed that he made a mess in his pants - note that it happened out of rage, not out of fear, as God was very brave. And that's how he created the tea.

Alice looked completely confused into her tea cup.

Hatter: Then, on the fourth day, he created the landscapes. He had intended to fill the oceans with wine but since his aunt tucked into alcoholic drink, she had stolen the largest proportion of his wine. And ever since there has been a wine shortage on earth.

March Hare: Quite clever, that aunt.

Hatter: Shut up, and drink your tea. On the fifth day he filled the oceans with water because his aunt didn't like water and had sent him all her supplies. On the sixth day he created the animals. Most of them perished because he had forgotten to create the air. He was so mad about it that he lashed out fiercely. Doing so he lost his balance and hit the earth. And ever since, the earth has been spinning at a slanting angle to its own axis. That's how the Almighty in his wisdom created winter and summer. For he was truly great.

March Hare: So that's why I get cold feet in winter.

Hatter: Quite right, my son. But as he was very just, he created the fire. For fire plus water makes firewater.

March Hare:(with tear muffled voice)

A truly merciful God!

Hatter: Amen.

Alice: But when did he create mankind?

Hatter: In the night of the sixth to the seventh day. He had strange dreams in that night. (March Hare laughs) Strange dreams... And so he created man and woman, and he gave them the earth, the wind, and the orgy, and they were to be fruitful and should multiply. They obeyed, and often so before his very eyes. And when there was a particularly beautiful woman among them, God himself occasionally descended down to earth. Oh well, those strange dreams.

March Hare: I love the Lord, who gave us all that.

Hatter: On the last day he created the epidemics, the earthquake, the famines, and all that... By then he was already a bit annoyed by the never ending nagging on his aunt from the Orion Nebula. But he gave us those books to comfort us, wherein he vowed to improve, and relieved us from the fear of death by promising immor- tality, which he has been intensively working on ever since. And one day he will call us to his place that we can watch his countenance; as he has a merciful heart.

(March Hare is moved to tears)

Hatter: That's the story of creation, my child. We, mankind, have built up everything else: the arts, the sciences, the gastronomic culture. Except for the war, which was created by the aunt from the Orion Nebula.

Alice: I don't understand anything about this. I only wanted to know the time.

Hatter: The time! If you were only a little more intelligent, you would have understood by now that time is a HE. He is time!

March Hare: I am time, you are time, he is time, she is time, it is time...

Dormouse:(starting, suddenly awake) Is it time?

Hatter:(looks at his watch) Indeed, it is time.

And as if on command all three on them jumped up as if bitten by snakes, and ran around the table. As in by magic the organ began to play the wildest chords. To be on the safe side Alice retreated to a quiet corner and observed the game from there. Suddenly the organ stopped playing, and all three flung themselves on the chairs. Then the organ played on, they got up, put away the three chairs they had sat on, and went on running around the table until the organ stopped again, and they threw themselves on the chairs nearest to them.

This game was repeated several times until only the large chair at the middle on the table was left. Then the three crazy creatures rushed around the table, always trying to be as close as possible to the remaining chair. They ran and ran, the organ played and played, faster and wilder all the time until it suddenly stopped. Immediately all on the three, Hatter, Dormouse, and March Hare, flung themselves on the last chair. One lay on top on the other and they laughed and squealed completely out on breath.

By now Alice was definitely convinced that she had met three maniacs. Therefore she left the church as quickly as possible. When she turned once more at the portal, she saw the Hatter and March Hare trying to stufn the Dormouse, which had fallen asleep again in the meantime, into the teapot. Shaking her head Alice went outside.

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